Appendix I: Wherein I present the complete play “The Ideal Magic” for your appreciation and enjoyment.

The Ideal Magic

A Play in One Act

By Eaglethorpe Buxton

Presented here in its entirety:

 

Characters:

Myolaena Maetar, Court Magician of Aerithraine

King Justin, King of Aerithraine

Queen Beatrix, Queen of Aerithraine

Sir Thomas, Knight of Aerithraine

Sir David, Knight of Aerithraine

Sir Reginald, Knight of Aerithraine

Britomart, Lady Knight

Prissus Draco Noventus, Possibly a dragon

Phoebe, Queen’s Lady in Waiting

Krabbi, Apple Seller

Luna, Serving Wench

Bud, Flower Seller

Mack, Fishmonger

Penny, Cutpurse

Waiting Women, Chorus

Knights’ Girls, Chorus

Citizens

 

 

 

(In front of Aerithraine Castle. Present are Krabbi, Luna, Bud, Mack, and citizens.)

 

Krabbi:

Apples! Apples! Get your apples here!

 

Mack:

Fish! Fish for Sale! Fresh Fish!

 

Bud:

Petunias! Carnations! Red, red roses!

 

Krabbi:

We are the vendors who sell in the marketplace,

 

Mack:

Here in the city, the jewel of the world,

 

Bud:

We do our best to put on the best place,

 

Krabbi:

Here in the city known as Illustria,

 

Mack:

Where fortunes are made and banners unfurled.

 

Bud:

I peddle my flowers to all with a spare coin,

 

Krabbi:

I sell my apples to young and to old,

 

Mack:

I sell my fish for a silver or gold coin,

 

Bud:

He’ll gladly take a brass penny,

 

Krabbi:

His fish are a week old.

 

Mack:

We’re growing rich in the market, rich and quite fat,

 

Bud:

The people are thronging along the city streets,

 

Krabbi:

No one goes hungry, can you imagine that?

 

Mack:

I love Illustria, the capital of Aerithraine,

 

Bud:

It’s a marvelous city where everyone eats.

 

(Enter Penny)

 

Penny:

(Aside) Not everyone eats, Merchant. For every fat street vender there are four hungry brats with no silver or gold, or no brass penny neither. There are those of us who beg in the streets and there are those of us who skim the sewers. Then there are those of us who take what we can…. (picks pocket) Pardon me. I am off to reap what the merchants have sown. (Exit)

 

Krabbi:

Apples for Sale! Nice Apples! Not a worm in sight!

 

Mack:

I could use some worms. Fish are gettin’ so they don’t bite on corncobs no more.

 

Krabbi:

Here, help yourself. I’ve worms a plenty. The whole crop this year is wormy.

 

Mack.

That’s a good lad. Are you ready to sup, Krabbi. They’ve a mutton stew at the Angry Rooster for three pence.

 

Krabbi:

I’m for it, Mack. (Exit Krabbi and Mack. Enter Myolaena.)

 

Enter Myolaena.

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) It’s a lovely day in Illustria, the jewel of Aerithtraine, nay the very jewel of all Celestria. The people are happy. The kingdom is prosperous. The king sits well upon his throne…

 

Luna:

I’m just a serving wench out for some fresh air,

I’ve spent all the night in the tavern down yon’,

It’s such a delight to sit here in the fresh air,

No fighting with pipe fumes from dusk until dawn,

 

I’m just a serving wench out in the morning air,

My world is the tavern, the rogues, and the ale,

I somehow can’t see why the world is so bright,

It makes my life seem somehow oh so pale,

 

I’m just a serving wench, but I am so much more,

I sing and I dance and I play a mean lyre,

If a kind man could find my heart’s door,

I would gather his hearthstones and light his fire.

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) They young maid is lonely. She needs someone. (Wiggles her finger at Bud).

 

Bud:

(To Luna) A flour for you, Luna. No charge.

 

Luna:

Thank you. It is a pretty thing, isn’t it?

 

Myolaena:

Ah,yes. Love is the ideal magic. But the lass isn’t saying what she truly feels. (Wiggles her finger at Luna)

 

Luna:

Oh you sweet thing! (Jumps on Bud and kisses him) I love you Bud! Take me away and let’s be wed.

 

Myolaena:

There you see magic. But it is a small thing for me. I am Myolaena Maetar, the court magician– sorceress thaumatageur, prestidigitator, diviner, seer, mystic– I am spellcaster, mage, conjurer, and necromancer. I am all that.

 

I am she who keeps the kingdom running well. I am she who keeps King Justin on his throne. I bring prosperity and fair weather. I am all that.

 

I can read minds! I can shape creations of matter and energy. I can brew potions of love or hate or death. I can let you fly through the air, or stew in your own juices. I can summon up the wise men of all the ages, or the most horrifying monsters. I am all that… and a bag of chips.

 

I should be openly acknowledged as the mighty ruler I am. I should be Queen. But though I am not, I have cast my spells and laid my plots. I am like the spider in the center of a vast web. And I will devour my prey, after my own fashion.

 

(Exit Luna and Bud. Enter the Waiting Women. They step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus)

 

Wait’ Women:

We are three maids who wait on the Queen,

She’s the sweetest sovereign the world has yet seen,

Though she has one pain that many speak of,

The King and the Queen have never known love.

 

We wait and we pray for we know our duty,

We must take care of our majestic beauty,

This duty is clear and our faith is too true,

But until true love comes there is nothing to do.

 

The Queen hails from Goth, a land far away,

But we lover her so, and wish her to stay,

The people adore her, as do her sons,

Of riches and wealth, you know she has tons,

 

If only the king would wake up and take notice,

He’d see that beside him sits a true Venus,

Though none can say where angels have been,

Angels are nothing when they’re next to our Queen.

 

(Exit Waiting Women. Enter Phoebe)

 

Phoebe:

Queen Beatrix calls for you, Sorceress.

 

Myolaena:

Am I the Queen’s serving woman, that she calls for me thus? Am I the Queen’s lacky?

 

Phoebe:

You are the Queen’s subject and are at her command.

 

Myolaena:

I am the Sorceress Supreme! I could change that woman into a newt.

 

Phoebe:

The Queen is protected by powerful magics and cannot be so affected.

 

Myolaena:

True. But you are not. (Phoebe looks scared and exits quickly.)

 

The wench is correct. I cannot simply eliminate the Queen. But what if the King’s eye should wander in my direction? Can one refuse a King? Nay! I have laid plots and spells. Now I go to answer the wretched Queen. (Exits)

 

(Enter Knights’ Girls)

 

Knights’ Girl 1:

(Dreamily) Did you see Sir Reginald? He is to die for!

 

Knights’ Girl 2:

(Dreamily) He touched my arm when he shoved me out of the way.

 

Knights’ Girl 3:

How about Sir David?

 

Knights’ Girl 1:

Just leave me alone with him and a can opener!

 

Knights’ Girl 2:

Keep dreaming girl. He likes me better.

 

Knights’ Girl 1:

He likes me more!

 

Knights’ Girl 3:

Well, he likes me almost as much as he likes himself.

 

Girls 1&2:

Really?

 

(Knights’ Girls step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus.)

 

Knights’ Girls:

We are the girls who follow the knights,

We hear all their adventures and watch all their fights,

The are dreamy, all dressed in their shiny steel armor,

Just watching them makes our hearts feel much warmer.

 

Sir Thomas is sweet, but stupid it’s true,

Sir David is boring, but he’s handsome too,

Sir Reginald touches every girl’s heart,

The one we can’t stand is that Britomart.

 

Where does she get off being a knight,

For a girl to wear armor, it just isn’t right.

 

(Exit Knights’ Girls)

(Enter Sir Thomas and Sir David)

 

David:

Protecting the King is our primary duty.   Protecting the King is what we became knights for.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

Why, even if we were five minutes near death ourselves, we should Rise Up and protect the King.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

Still, if a dragon were in the area, it would be duty as well to slay it.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

Dragons are nasty fiends, you know. Have you studied them?

 

Thomas:

Nope.

 

David: I made a comprehensive study of them with Sir Drake and the Weapons Academy. They are wily creatures–more frightening that the most horrible ogre– stronger than the greatest giant– smarter than most sages. They are the ultimate foe. And if I am ever so fortunate to see a dragon, I will quickly eliminate the wyrm.

 

Thomas:

Worm?

 

David:

Yes, all the great authorities refer to the beasts as wyrms. It is from the root word wyrd, in the ancient tongue of scholars.

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

(Enter Myolaena)

 

Myolaena

(Aside) Here you see two foolish knights who think their swords keep this nation state strong. If they were to meet a real dragon, they would find themselves petrified. He wouldn’t need to lift a claw or a wing. He wouldn’t need to breath fire. His very aura could drive them away crying like babies, or compel them to do anything at all.

 

The first is a great braggart and thinks he knows far more than he does. If I had a gold crown for each time he made a fool of himself, I should buy the kingdom. The other is such a dullard. He once locked himself in him own suit of armor.

 

(Enter Sir Reginald)

 

Reginald:

Sir David!

 

David:

Hail Sir Reginald, knight of the Black Shield.

 

Reginald:

Don’t hail me! I come to challenge you! You accused me of having uncertain ancestry.

 

David:

Tut, tut, fellow. I merely said that you were not as noble in blood as I.

 

Reginald:

I can trace my ancestry back fourteen generations, to Tiberian the Black King!

(Reginald attacks. They fight back and forth across the stage.)

 

David: Still, I can trace my ancestry back to the grandparents of Adam and Eve.

(They fight more.)

 

Reginald:

Your mother was an orphan scullery maid, and your father was my father’s squire.

 

David:

Tut, tut, fellow. You mistake me for someone else.

(They continue to fight. Reginald strikes a glancing blow. David falls.)

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) Oh, no. I cannot let this bragging oaf be killed. The king might find a captain of the guards who actually knows what is going on.

(To Reginald) Pain.

 

Reginald:

Oh! I am slain! I go for a leach!

(Exits)

 

David:

(Standing up) I am the victor!

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) He is a pin-head.

 

David:

My honor is vindicated!

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) His idiocy is proved. That other Spam in a can will be fine, but it will be some time before he decides to challenge Sir Full-of-himself to a duel again.

 

(Exit Thomas and David. Enter Krabbi, Mack, and Bud. Myolaena steps to the side of the stage.)

 

Mack:

Fish for Sale. Fresh fish!

 

Krabbi:

Apples! Bushel a pence!

 

(Enter Penny. She walks up to Mack and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly way.)

 

Penny:

Hello, good fishmonger! (Steals Mack’s purse) It is a lovely day today.

 

Mack:

Hello friend. (Exits, unknowing.)

 

Penny:

(Opens up purse and takes out a coin) I’ll have one of your fine apples, vendor. Keep the change. (Steals Krabbi’s purse.)

 

Krabbi:

Thank you citizen. (Exits)

 

(Enter David and Thomas)

 

Penny:

I do think I shall have a carnation for my lapel. Here you go good fellow. (Hands Bud a coin and steals his purse.)

 

Thomas:

What? Here! (Grabs Penny)

 

David:

What a piece of knavery we have here!

 

Thomas:

A thief.

 

Bud:

Why, she’s stolen my purse!

 

David:

(Searching Penny) Looks as though the thief has more than one.

 

Bud:

Why she’s stolen my two purses!

 

David:

Here you go, vendor. One. Two. It is lucky for you that we came along when we did.

 

Bud:

It certainly is. Very lucky indeed.   (Exits, pleased)

 

David:

And one purse for His Majesty’s soldiers. (Pockets the other purse.)

 

(Enter Justin and Beatrix)

 

King:

Sir David? Sir Thomas? What have we here?
David:

My partner and I have uncovered an errant piece of knavery. Her we have a little thief.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

King:

Sorceress! Can we allow such crime to run rampant in our streets?

 

Myolaena:

(Shrugs)

 

King:

You must weave some magics to protect the honest folk.

 

Myolaena:

(Sighs) I do what I can, Majesty.

(Aside) If I got rid of all the dishonest people, he’d have no guardsmen at all.

 

King:

Well, Sir David. You must carry out my orders and execute the sentence. For thievery in Illustria, we… What is it we do again?

 

Queen:

You must cut something off, Dear.

 

King:

Yes, I know that. But what? Is it the right hand or the left hand?

 

Queen:

Perhaps a foot, Dear.

 

Penny:

(Aside) I like this not!

 

King:

Foot! Foot! Perhaps in your father’s backward kingdom! Not here! Foot! Why ever did I wed such a dullard?

 

David:

To prevent recurrence of the crime, it should be the head, Majesty.

 

King:

Take her hence, and cut off… oh, cut off whatever you please. (Exits)

 

Penny:

(To the Queen) Majesty! Mercy, please!

 

Queen:

Of course, Dear. (To David) Make it a nice clean cut. And don’t leave a mess. (Exits)

 

David:

We hear our charge and will obey.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

What shall we cut off?

 

Penny:

Please Sir Knight! Can’t we come to an understanding?

 

David:

Save your breath girl, for we are the King’s men.

 

Myo:

(Aside) They are the King’s fools, the King’s lapdogs, the King’s drips.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

David:

What shall we cut off? Her right hand?

 

Thomas:

Hair!

 

David:

Perhaps both legs?

 

Thomas:

Hair!

 

David:

I have always been partial to cutting off the nose. It spites the face, you know.

 

Thomas:

Hair!

 

Myolaena:

(Aside) He’s not the sharpest sword in the armory, is he?

 

David:

We shall split the difference, partner. Off with her head.

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

Myolaena:

(Waving hands) Time stop. (David, Thomas, and Penny freeze.) Perhaps here we have a tool for my design, a cog for my wheel, a fly for my web. Thank heavens for metaphor!

 

(Myolaena snaps her fingers and Penny unfreezes.)

 

Penny:

Who are you?

 

Myolaena:

I am your savior. I am your friend. I will deliver you from certain death.

 

Penny:

Thank you, Mistress.

 

Myolaena:

In exchange, you will do a thing for me.

 

Penny:

What can I do? Steal something?

 

Myolaena:

Perhaps you can do just that. I have brewed this potion. One drop will bring forth the greatest amore– love, devotion, and kind affection. With it, you will steal the King’s heart for me. You will sneak into the castle and pour this dram upon the King’s head as he sleeps. He will fall horribly in love with the first woman he sees wearing a golden locket, as indeed I will be wearing.

 

Penny:

I know not what I should do,

But one thing’s sure, I am through,

No matter which way that I turn,

My lot’s beheading or a slow burn.

 

To turn on the King is treason, true,

But you don’t know HER, like I do,

There’s nothing worse than magic ladies,

Not scary giants, not burning Hades.

 

What a fix my deeds have wrought,

Oh what a prize my sins have bought,

I sought with guile to fetch my bread,

So they want to part me from my head.

 

Oh wretched me, a pretty child,

Whose way went out a little wild,

I can’t escape to foreign lands,

So I do as she commands.

 

I will do as you instruct. (Exits)

 

Myolaena:

And when you poor this liquid on the King, he will have you killed. And I will have no witnesses to my designs, and nothing these buffoons could ever uncover.

 

(Myolaena exits. David and Thomas unfreeze.)

 

Thomas:

What?
David:

I was just saying that I have a mind to go find a dragon and kill it.

 

(Enter Priss)

 

Priss:

Did I hear someone mention dragonslaying?

 

David:

Yes, citizen.

 

Priss:

Aren’t you afraid? Dragons are over two hundred feet long. They can fly. They can breath fire and cast magic spells. They can shoot beams of energy from their eyes.

 

David:

I can see that you know much of dragons, friend. What is your name?

 

Priss:

Prissus Draco Noventus Augustus, but my friends all call me Priss.

 

David:

Well, Priss. Did you know dragons can use magic to take on human form?

 

Priss:

(Incredulous) Really? Then how can you tell they are dragons?

 

David:

It’s not easy. They have coppery complexions, not unlike yourself. But unlike you Priss, they have very long names.

 

Priss:

I see. Are they dangerous in human form?

 

David:

Quite. And they walk among the cities to study men so that they may trick them. But we are way too smart to be fooled by a dragon.

 

Thomas:

Yup.

 

Priss:

Oh, I can see that. Would you mind if I tagged along to see the dragon?

 

David:

Sure! Come along! (Exit David and Priss)

 

(Enter Knights’ Girls who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)

 

Knights’ Girls:

They hunt for a dragon, and we say OH MY!

Some fellow among them might possibly die,

Dragons are scary and can make one dead,

Then there’d be one less bachelor to wed.

Nothing good comes from hunting dragons,

These boys should stick to baseball and red wagons.

 

(Exit Knights’ Girls. Enter Britomart, who confronts Sir Thomas.)

 

Britomart:

Halt Knight!

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

Britomart:

I am Britomart, Lady Knight. I am cursed to challenge all the knights in Celestria until I am defeated.

 

Thomas:

Okay. (They fight)

 

Britomart:

Alas, you are doomed, Knight. You see I am destined to slay every foe I face until I meet the simplest man in the realm. (They continue to fight.)

 

Thomas:

Okay. (He strikes and she falls.) Goodbye. (Thomas exits.)

 

Britomart:

But Wait!

 

(Steps forward and speaks to the sky.)

Oh, great guardians above,

Can this thing I feel be love,

I’ve been defeated by his sword,

But his face has struck a chord,

Of love within this sad, sad breast,

I now of men have found the best!

 

(Exit Britomart)

 

(Enter the Queen)

 

Queen:

Alas! Why is it that I was not married to a man who could love me? I have been a dutiful daughter and a dutiful wife. I have born two strong young Princes to be heirs to my husband. All I desire in life is love, and love is the one thing I do not have.

 

(Folds her hands in prayer)

I ask the sky and stars above,

Why is it I cannot have love,

Though many years we two are wed,

He does not care if I am dead,

A cold and wintery life is this,

If never falls a wedded bliss,

If he shall never know love true,

Then I forever shall be blue.

 

(Enter Phoebe)

 

Phoebe:

Your Majesty. Your royal father has sent you a gift.

 

Queen:

What is it?

 

Phoebe:

This royal locket. It was forged high in the mountains by the cloud giants for Queen Nepsis of the Antediluvians. Now it is yours.

 

Queen:

It is very beautiful. Pity it cannot bring me love.

 

Phoebe:

Take heart, Majesty. Love will come for you someday. You will get what you deserve. Everyone does.

 

Queen:

You always know what to say, Phoebe. (Exit Queen)

 

Phoebe:

It is my duty and my charge, Your Majesty, to always say the right thing. Even when there is no right thing to say, I still say it. And who appreciates it? Only the Queen. No one else. (Exit Phoebe)

 

(Enter the King)

 

King:

I am tired of ruling. Perhaps I should give the city over to a regent and go upon a crusade against the goblins or the Eskimos.

 

(More Poetry)

 

The crown lies heavy on the head,

And chases sleep from out my bed,

The people, nobles– beggars too,

All count on me. You know it’s true,

And who have I to count upon?

None but those who grovel and faun,

On Myo’s arm I sometimes lean,

Though she has prove she’s quite mean,

For the Prince’s help I would be pleased,

But his tutors say he’s RPCed,

So I’m alone and feeling weary,

I order all eyes to be teary!

 

(The king lies down to sleep. Enter Penny, sneaking. She pours a potion on the king’s head.)

 

King:

(Waking) What is this? An assassin! (Grabs Penny) Guards!

 

Penny:

Alas, I am always being grabbed.

 

King:

You shall squeal.

 

Penny:

Like a stuck pig, Your Majesty.

 

King:

You will spill the beans.

 

Penny:

Like a rotten gunny-sack, Your Majesty.

 

King:

You will tell me your master’s name.

 

Penny:

Like a scared school girl!

 

(Enter the Queen, wearing the locket and Phoebe)

 

King:

(Seeing the Queen) Oh sweet angel. Oh blessed thing! Oh object of my desires! Where did you come from?

 

Queen:

Well, I’ve been here all the time.

 

King:

Was I so blind that I could not see such a goddess, such a creation, such a vision?

 

Queen:

Yes. Yes you were.

 

King:

Come with me. We will never be apart again.

 

(Exit King and Queen)

 

Phoebe: I must confess that I know not what to say. (To Penny) You had best come with me.

 

Penny:

Yes.

 

(Exit Phoebe and Penny. Enter Myolaena.)

 

Myolaena:

Here’s one of my pretty plots brought to ruin by wretched chance. Fear not. I have others. (Exits)

 

(Enter Waiting Women, who step forward and deliver their lines as a chorus.)

 

Waiting Women:

Our dreams have been answered: Hooray for the Queen,

We’re happier now than we’ve ever been,

No more will we have to mop up her tears,

We shall sit and enjoy her laughter for years.

 

The timing is perfect for this to come ‘bout,

The Prince is grown up and about to move out,

We are so happy for the Queen we do love,

And wish that all the world might find love.

 

Unfortunately we’re all mired in such bogs,

Life would be better if men weren’t such dogs.

 

(Enter David, Thomas, and Priss)

 

Priss:

Well, we’ve searched every cave and cavern in the countryside.

 

David:

I don’t understand why the dragon wasn’t there.

 

Priss:

Perhaps he flew south for the winter.

 

David:

Sir Drake never mentioned anything about that at the academy.

 

Priss:

Perhaps the dragon heard you were coming and was frightened away.

 

David:

That’s probably it! And what dragon wouldn’t be frightened to see us coming?

 

Priss:

(Steps forward to address the audience with his poem.)

Oh what fools these humans be,

And they have yet to watch TV,

I’ll be you gold coins to tomatoes,

They turn into old couch potatoes,

They dance like puppets on little strings,

When I feel the need to stretch my wings,

And when I feel the need to play,

Like tennis balls they mark the day,

There is one fair human maid,

In quest of whom some plans I’ve laid,

And she may soon be quite dismayed,

And that…

 

David:

(Steps forward and interrupts Priss with his own poem.)

The gods above have shined on me,

And shed their tears for they can see,

That among them, none’s my match,

And for women, I’m a catch.

I have the sharpest rapier wit,

Of knowledge, I have every bit,

Of beauty, there can be none better,

All women love but none can fetter,

I must be free to roam and venture,

Till I am old, and… um… and need a denture.

 

(Enter Myolaena)

 

Myolaena:

I would be happy. I would be merry. If they’d burn the rhyming dictionary!

 

Thomas:

What? Ho!

 

David:

Stop Sorceress! The king has ordered your arrest.

 

Myolaena:

Arrest me? How can a fuzzy kitten arrest me? You are a fuzzy kitten! (Waves her hands to cast a spell, but nothing happens.) What’s wrong? You are a fuzzy kitten!

 

David:

It’s no use Sorceress. My friend Priss has given me a charm to protect me from your spells.

 

(Enter the King)

 

King:

You have conspired against me, Myolaena. You must be punished.

 

Myolaena:

You can’t do anything to me. You need me. Who will protect you from the hordes of goblins and monsters? Who will enchant your armor, breed your winged horses, or transport your armies through the ether? You need me.

 

King:

Quite right, and besides the results of your plots have rendered me a certain service, in providing me with the most delightful creation of womanhood.

 

(Enter the Queen. She takes the King’s hand.)

 

King:

But you must be kept in check. I have decided you must be married. Your husband will become the object of your plots, and save the rest of us much trouble. You shall marry Sir David!

 

David:

Sire! I like this not!

 

Myolaena:

No! I’ll not be given over to that braggart. I’d turn myself into a toad first. I would rather marry that great fool, Sir Frontal Lobotomy (gestures at Thomas).

 

King:

Very well. Marry Sir Thomas.

 

Thomas:

Okay.

 

(Enter Britomart)

 

Britomart:

Hold! I claim this man by right of his conquest. No man has ever made me feel the way that he has.

 

Myolaena:

Supreme. Another melon-head heard from.

 

Britomart:

Can you imagine going through life with the thought that there may be no one for you to love? Can you imagine living such a terrible life?

 

Queen:

I understand your pain, Lady Knight.

 

Myolaena:

Oh, can we just get on with this?

 

King:

Very well. Sir Thomas will marry the lady warrior.

 

Thomas:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I have a wife now,

Yup.

 

King:

We will have to find another husband for you, Sorceress.

 

Priss:

If it please your Majesty, I will have the wench.

 

King:

Fine. The wedding will be on the morrow. (Exit King, Queen, Knights)

 

Priss:

Come now my wife to be. I will show you whom your husband really is.

 

Myolaena:

I cannot marry just anyone. My husband must be of noble ancestry.

 

Priss:

My dear. I can trace my family back to the dinosaurs.

 

Myolaena:

What is it about you that I find strangely compelling? It’s as if I can refuse you nothing.

 

Priss:

Oh, how I have wanted you. I’ve laid plots and cast spells to bring all this about. I will show you arcane mysteries that you can only imagine.

 

Myolaena:

Oooh, keep talking that way.

 

The End.

Chapter Twenty: Second Epilog, or Post-Epilog, or maybe Epi-epilog.

I did not get up with Ellwood Cyrene. Nor did I leave the taproom at that time. There were too many people who wanted to buy me a drink in exchange for one of my stories. I told the story of how I fought an entire goblin army to rescue an elven princess. I told the story of how I saved a poor farm girl from a werewolf with only a fork. And I told the story of the Queen of Aerithraine, in whose company I once had the pleasure of spending a fortnight. I told that story four times.

When I got to my room on the third floor of the Singing Siren, I was tired.   I was too tired to even light a lantern. Instead, I opened the shutters and let the moonlight stream into the room. I breathed in the night air as I sloughed off my jerkin and my breeches.

It was then that I noticed a light across the inn’s courtyard. In the other wing of the building, also on the third floor, someone had their window open—someone with a well-lit room. This had barely come to my attention, when a figure in that room stepped into my line of sight. It was Ellwood Cyrene. As I stood there, he started to disrobe, removing his jerkin and breeches just as I had done. I was about to close the shutters when I noticed that beneath his shirt, his entire torso was wrapped in a massive bandage. Naturally concerned, I wondered just what kind of horrible wound he had sustained that would require such a dressing.

Then he began to unwind it. I watch as he carefully removed the wrapping, and when I saw what lay beneath, I sat back, entirely missing the bed and landing on the hard wood floor. Ellwood Cyrene, my friend and companion through countless adventures, was a woman!

Chapter Nineteen: Epilog

The taproom of the Singing Siren, which is far nicer and has better ale by far than the taproom at the Reclining Dog, was filled with patrons and pipe smoke. I sat down after regaling the patrons with the first draft of my just completed adventures. There was more than a smattering of applause, but neither Myolaena Maetar nor Ellwood Cyrene who filled the other two chairs at my table, took part in the clapping. They both looked at me strangely.

“What?” I asked.

“I don’t think this story is as good as your others,” said Ellwood.

“And it’s full of lies,” said Myolaena.

“It doesn’t have much cohesion,” continued Ellwood. “It just kind of meanders around. It’s as if you took a dozen stories from someone else and tried to weave them together with your own life to make a story.”

“And it’s full of lies,” said Myolaena.

“I don’t know how you can say that… either one of you,” said I. “I think this might be my best tale ever, and note I did not say story, I said tale. The word story has an implication that it might not be truthful, whereas my story…”

“…is full of lies,” said Myolaena.

“Did I not meet you right here, just as I said?” I asked the sorceress.

“As if I could mistake you for one moment for anyone but Ethelred Buckleberry. And what is this about a toad? How could you say I turned you into a toad?”

“And what was all that about our strange conversation in your room?” asked Ellwood. “Are you trying to imply that I’m in love with you? That’s just crazy. If anything, you’re in love with me.”

“A frog is not a toad,” said Myolaena.

“I mean look at you,” said Ellwood. “You’re much older than me, and you’re getting a bit thick in the middle.”

“Toads are altogether different.”

“And your hair is going gray.”

“And I didn’t try to kill you,” said Myolaena. “Do you know how you can tell I didn’t try to kill you? You’re not dead, that’s how.”

“And what about this Megara Capillarie,” said Ellwood. “I’ve never heard of her.”

“I didn’t see her,” said Myolaena. “And she would have passed me as I was leaving and she was entering the house. Besides, I have lived here in Antriador for years and I’ve never heard of any family called the Capillaries.”

“Maybe you just missed her,” said I. “And maybe I had to change her name for legal reasons.”

“And maybe you kissed her,” said Ellwood.

“I did kiss her.”

“Did you? Or was it just part of the story?” He blinked as if fighting back tears. “Did you enjoy it?”

“Oh, enough of this.” Myolaena stood up, and swirling her wand around her head three times, she disappeared.

“There. You have to admit that part was complete fiction,” said Ellwood. “No one could give up the power of a sorceress, least of all that particular woman. She’s still got the magic.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe you’re not even here. Maybe I’m having this entire conversation in my head. In fact, next time I tell the story, it will be.”

“Good night Eaglehthorpe.” And with that, Ellwood got up and left the taproom.

Chapter Eighteen: Wherein I have my final confrontation with sorceress Myolaena Maetar.

“You can’t do anything to me. You need me. Who will protect you from the hordes of goblins and monsters? Who will enchant your armor, breed your winged horses, or transport your armies through the ether? You need me.”

The actress playing Myolaena, which is to say Myolaena herself, delivered her lines with feeling. It was as though she had lived through the situation before, which of course she had, and had spoken the lines before, which she hadn’t because I just made most of it up. It was poetic license. As she spoke her last line and exited stage left with the actor playing Priss the Dragon, there was a thunderous ovation. The actors were called out to make three bows. I waited patiently for someone to call “author, author” and when no one did, I began the call myself. Others nearby took up the call and soon, many around the theater were calling as well. I stood up and took my own bow from my seat.

Now I account myself brave, and I have faced many dangers that would have cowed another, weaker man. Still facing off with a sorceress, one who might well be the most powerful in the world, is akin to charging a dragon in his lair, and what man, even a brave man would not think twice before doing that? Myolaena Maetar had much to answer for though, so I headed to the stage and made my way back behind it.

Backstage, the actors were milling around with a few dozen theater fanatics and other hangers-on, but I did not see hide nor hair of the woman for whom I was looking. I asked and was directed to a dressing room with a star and a moon on the door.  I opened the door and quietly stepped inside. Myolaena Maetar was sitting in front of a great mirror removing her stage make-up. I was pleased to see that from the angle I entered I did not appear in the mirror. Slowly drawing my sword, I stealthily crept toward her. When I was only about four feet away, she suddenly raised her wand and I found myself frozen in place. My sword grew suddenly white hot and I dropped it clattering to the floorboards.

“You!” said Myolaena, turning to look at me with astonishment. “I was sure that I had killed you.”

“It was the disconsolateberries,” said I. “They are a natural proof against poison.”

“Huh. I just assumed that they would work like incarnadineberries, which enhance any poison in them.”

“You know what they say about assuming.”

“No, what?”

“Um, that it’s not good.”

“Well, my dear Buckethead. I am glad that you survived. I have decided that your play is not so bad after all.”

“Of course it isn’t,” I agreed. “It’s a fine play—a wonderful play. It is perhaps the greatest play ever written.”

“Whatever,” said she. “I have decided that playing a sorceress on stage is a far more enjoyable pastime than actually being a sorceress. I think acting really is in my blood. I’m going to take it up full time.”

“You’re going to give up being sorceress?”

“Sure, why not?”

“How could you… how could anyone give up all that power?”

“Oh, I admit that it frightens me a bit. Still, you know what they say—power corrupts. I’ve had so much power for such a long time. I used to be a nice person, you know. I don’t know if I could be again, but at least if I become an actor, people won’t expect me to be nice, at least not all at once and not all the time. I’m going to take my wand and bury it so deep in the ground that nobody will ever be able to find it, and I’m going to drop my spellbook into the deepest depths of the ocean.”

“Even so, I can’t let you go,” said I. “I can forgive you for trying to poison me, but you turned an innocent young actress into a tree and then she was cut down for firewood.”

“Angeletta Seedling is not so young or so innocent, and she is also not dead. She’s right down the street starring in “A Mighty Heart.”

“You didn’t change her to a tree?”

“Yes, I did. But I changed her back long before anyone could cut her down. The worst thing that happened to her was that a bird built a nest on her.”

“Oh. I guess all’s well that ends well.”

Chapter Seventeen: Wherein I deliver the young woman to her intended and hurry back to Antriador.

The bit with Cleveland Normandy and our swordfight was the only real adventure on the way to Oordport, with the exception that when we got there and found Miss Capillarie’s true love, he was enjoying the company of a young woman named Roxanne. I personally didn’t think this Roxanne was anything to write home about, but I suppose there is something to the old saying ‘a decent looking girl in the hand is worth a beautiful one in a faraway city’. I didn’t stick around to find out how things worked out with Megara and beautiful, sweet Henri, instead leaving just as she was beating him about the head and shoulders. I noted that Roxanne had wisely made a hasty retreat, no doubt unable to match Megara either in beauty or in fisticuffs.

I left Oordport, which is a lovely city only about a third the size of Antriador and is chiefly in the business of sheep, forthwith. That is, I left forthwith. Not that the sheep were forthwith, which doesn’t even make any sense, now that I think about it, so never mind. I stopped just outside the city wall at a little meadow to let Hysteria, who was still a bit upset, eat some clover and take a drink of water. I intended to ride her much harder on the way back than I had on the way there. While she was thus engaged, I took a pleasant nap beneath a tree. When I was well rested, having dreamed only manly dreams, and so was my noble steed, which is to say Hysteria, I set off once again.

I made good time, especially considering that most of the trip was taken in darkness. Lyrria is one of the few lands where a trip in darkness is easily made. The roads are paved with nice smooth stones and the wild beasts and robbers have for the most part been chased away. I arrived at the gate of Antriador less than twenty four hours later, and reached the playhouse just as the audience was filing in to their seats.

Mr. Burbage, a fine gentleman despite having been in his youth an actor, stood outside the playhouse door watching as the crowd filed in. If anything, there were more people here to see my work than there were on opening night and that gave me a warm feeling deep inside as I thought of my ten percent of gross ticket receipts.

“Mr. Burbage,” I said, as I tossed a coin to a stable boy to have Hysteria taken care of. “I heard about what happened to our lead actress. Have you put the understudy on in her place?”

Burbage rolled his eyes. “You know she’s not right for the part. She’s too dark and too tall.”

“What matters that?” I cried. “She knows the words! The words are the important part! The show must go on!”

“My dear Buxton,” said he. “Fret not. The show will go on. The show has gone on for more than a week since I saw you last. Fear not. I have hired an actress for the lead role, and she is perfect if I do say so myself.”

“I hope you are right,” said I.

“I am right. I believe that I am right, and more importantly the audiences believe that I am right. Attendance has been up every day since the unfortunate tree incident. That didn’t hurt either. You know there really is no such thing as bad publicity.”

“You know better than me,” said I. “And that is something I almost never say.”

I took the side door entrance into the theater and found a comfortable seat in the upper gallery so that I could watch it along with the throngs of my many fans. I didn’t have long to wait for the lights to dim and the curtain to rise revealing the stage decorated to resemble the streets of the great city of Illustria. The actors playing the parts of street venders wandered around on stage, among the citizens, singing their lines. Then came the first bit of excitement: Penny the thief cuts the purse of the apple vendor and leaves the stage. Then the new actress playing the lead part stepped on stage. She was tall and striking and moved just as a sorceress should move. She sauntered across the stage and delivered her lines.

“It’s a lovely day in Illustria, the jewel of Aerithtraine, nay the very jewel of all Celestria. The people are happy. The kingdom is prosperous. The king sits well upon his throne.”

Next, the actress playing Luna came onto the stage to deliver her soliloquy, wherein she spills her heart so the audience can feel her loneliness. The sorceress then casts a spell of love upon her and she leaves, giving the sorceress a chance for to give her own speech, setting up the plot of the play.

“There you see magic. But it is a small thing for me. I am Myolaena Maetar, the court magician—sorceress, thaumatageur, prestidigitator, diviner, seer, mystic– I am spellcaster, mage, conjurer, and necromancer. I am all that.

“I am she who keeps the kingdom running well. I am she who keeps King Justin on his throne. I bring prosperity and fair weather. I am all that.

“I can read minds! I can shape creations of matter and energy. I can brew potions of love or hate or death. I can let you fly through the air, or stew in your own juices. I can summon up the wise men of all the ages, or the most horrifying monsters. I am all that… and a bag of chips.

“I should be openly acknowledged as the mighty ruler I am. I should be Queen. But though I am not, I have cast my spells and laid my plots. I am like the spider in the center of a vast web. And I will devour my prey, after my own fashion.”

It was only as she delivered the final line “And I will devour my prey, after my own fashion,” that I realized whom I was watching. The actress playing Myolaena Maetar was none other than Myolaena Maetar herself.

Chapter Sixteen: Wherein hot blood is spilled.

Now might be a good time to mention that while I purchased Hysteria, for thirteen crowns silver, as a warhorse, she has a number of deficiencies that make her inadequate to the task. Oh, don’t misunderstand me, she is a very fine animal, in good health, and she has almost never failed to carry anything that I asked of her. Warhorses though need to be of quite stern stuff. Hysteria was never comfortable with the sound of sword on sword, or sword on shield, or sword on body, or shield on body, or shield on shield. In fact, she’s not too fond of the shhtink sound that a sword makes as it comes out of a scabbard. It was just this sound which accompanied the shout of “stop knave, and prepare to meet your maker,” and it was no doubt this sound that caused her to rear up and toss Megara and myself to the ground. I was not unduly bothered by this, not only because I had been thrown by Hysteria on a number of occasions, but also because I landed on Megara and she was quite nicely padded. She on the other hand had more than a lung-full of air knocked from her by my weight suddenly landing on her. I jumped to my feet and drew my own sword.

“Identify yourself or die,” said I, striking an intimidating pose.

“I am Cleveland Normandy and I am here to put an end to your days of steeling young women.”

“-‘s hearts,” said I.

“What?”

“-‘s hearts. You are going to put an end to my days of steeling young women’s hearts. That’s what you meant to say.”

“No it isn’t,” said he. “I am here to put an end to your days of steeling young women’s bodies.”

“I’ve never… almost never stolen a body in my entire life. Seven, eight times at the most. And why would you care anyway?”

“I care because I am Cleveland Normandy, and I am Megara Capillarie’s true love.”

“No you aren’t,” said Megara, having successfully refilled her lungs with air and climbed back to her feet. She tossed back her hair and struck a pose. “You are my father’s one true love.”

“What?” Cleveland and I both said at the same time.

“He is the one my father has betrothed me to, but I don’t love him, don’t want him, can’t stand him, and don’t want to look at him.”

“She sounds pretty emphatic,” said I.

“I don’t know what that means,” said he.

“It means that she has strongly expressed her desire with great emphasis or…”

“I don’t care what it means.” He jumped to within sword-reach of me. “You are standing in the way of true love.”

“I don’t think we have the same definition of ‘love’, or of ‘true’, and probably not of ‘way’,” said I. “I guess we’re okay with ‘standing’. I guess it all really hinges on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”

My clever wordplay was apparently too much for Cleveland Normandy, for rather than replying with rhetoric, he replied with his sword, thrusting directly at me. Fortunately I am even quicker with my sword than I am with my tongue. Of course with a tongue, speed is not so important as wit. And now that I think about it, with a sword, speed is not so important as swordsmanship. So tongues and swords are quite a bit alike. I parried his blow and swung my sword up, intending to take of his head, but I was wide of the mark and took off only part of his right ear. He squealed like a little girl and turning, ran away.

Chapter Fifteen: Wherein we are accosted on the road to Oordport.

The three of us rode down the road to Oordport: myself, the lovely Megara Fennec, and my valiant steed Hysteria, which is to say my horse. Night had fallen, and while one could caution that it is a very good idea not to set out from one city to another in the dead of night, but to take a room at an inn and start instead the next day, I have seldom been one to follow a good idea. It was a day and a half ride from Antriador to Oordport and I wanted to make it there and back within three days. My play was no doubt in difficulty without a lead actress, though she did have an understudy, and I wanted to put things right, and maybe even settle with Myolaena Maetar before Ellwood Cyrene returned from Auksavl in five days.

“So what gave you the idea to act in my play?” I asked the lovely young woman who was pressed up against my back. “Other than hearing that my actress had been turned into a tree, I mean.”

“I read a review of The Ideal Magic in the local broadsheet.”

“Really? What did it say?”

“Well…”

“Come on girl, and tell me. We writers are a thick-skinned lot.”

“It said that your play was made of big words on small matters.”

“What a most excellent review,” said I.

“It is a terrible review.”

“No, it is a wonderful review. Big words on small matters. Why, that is exactly how I write.”

We rode all through the night. Hysteria having been well fed and watered the previous day was more than happy to clop along at a leisurely pace. After a while our conversation lagged however and I dozed off in my saddle. You might wonder that this is possible—falling asleep and sleeping while riding. I do it all the time. In fact, it is probably my single best equestrian skill, which is to say thing I can do on a horse. Unknown to me at the time was that Miss Fennec had dozed off as well. While no doubt far less skilled than me at horsemanship, she was pressed against me so tightly and had her arms wrapped around me so well, that she didn’t fall off either. Neither of us even knew we were asleep until we were awakened by a shout.

“Stop knave, and prepare to meet your maker!”

Chapter Fourteen: Wherein I divulge my plan to reunite the lovers.

I led the beautiful Megara Fennec, which is to say Megara Capillarie from the home of some unknown person, who was no doubt a chubby little red-head with a checkered apron and a brown bonnet, and out into the town square of Potter Town, where the shadows were growing long, which is to say it was getting late. My valiant steed Hysteria still waited patiently at the well. As we walked, I explained my plan.

“The plan is thus,” said I. “I will fetch from the apothecary a dram of a potion that is known as living death. You will go home and make peace with your parents and then take this potion. It will make you fall into a coma, a semblance of death itself. From you there will be no evidence that you still live: no breath, no heartbeat, and no body warmth. Your family will think that you are dead and place your body in the family crypt. In the meantime, I will send a message to your beloved in Oordport, telling him the entire plan and he will rush to your side, to reach you just as you return to life, having experienced nothing more than a pleasant sleep.”

We reached Hysteria’s side and I turned to smile at my lovely companion, but she was frowning.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Your plan seems fraught with unnecessary problems,” she replied.

“How so?”

“If the apothecaries of the area are wont to sell drams of ‘living death’, won’t someone suggest that perhaps I have been given ‘living death’ when I appear to die of unknown causes.”

“Living death is pretty secret,” said I.

“How secret?”

“Really secret.”

“But not so secret that just anyone can purchase it from an apothecary?”

“No, not so secret as that.”

“What if, when I die, they decide to burn my body instead of placing it in the family crypt?”

“Why would they do that?”

“To save space.”

“You are a member of the family, are you not?”

“Yes, but I’m just a girl, and I’m young. I haven’t had a chance to do anything grand or impressive that would warrant entombing me in a place of honor. Our family has had that crypt for at least a dozen generations and there have been a lot of us. It’s getting pretty full.”

“But you are Lord Capillaries’ only daughter.”

“I am the only child of his current wife, true. But my mother is his fourth wife and I am his sixteenth daughter.”

“I see.”

“Now that I think about it,” she continued. “I don’t think that I would want to wake up in that crypt anyway. It’s got to be pretty rank in there, and there is always the possibility of zombie attacks.”

“Yes, I forgot about zombies.”

“The only people who can afford to forget about zombies are those people with no brains.”

“That is true,” I agreed. “I suppose we could plan to have your body sequestered somewhere else.”

“And here’s another thing,” she said. “What if your message doesn’t get to my beloved in time? Suppose he hears about me dying before he finds out about your plan. He might do something rash—like hurt himself.”

“He wouldn’t do that would he?”

“He might. He’s very passionate.”

“He’s passionate enough to kill himself?”

“Oh yes. He thinks about it all the time.”

“So what do you propose?” I asked.

“Why don’t we climb on your horse and you just give me a ride to Oordport, where I can meet beautiful, sweet Henri and live together with him there.”

“Well, it is not nearly so poetical a plan as mine,” said I. “But I will do it.”